A man’s claim that his girlfriend’s depression is his ‘excuse’ for being messy has sparked serious internet controversy. The script was posted by u/zZzSleepy in the popular Reddit sub-category “Am I the asshole?”, where it received over 2,000 upvotes and 1,000 comments.
In a Reddit post titled “AITA for telling my girlfriend that her depression is no excuse to be a slob?”, the man began by saying, “Recently my girlfriend moved in with me there a few months in my house because she is on bad terms with her parents. Living with her has been a bit difficult because she is a very messy person. She leaves her clothes all over the floor and on the bed. I can’t bother to fold or hang her clothes in the closet. I swear she uses our bed as a closet. Sometimes she brings food into the room and doesn’t throw it away. Even worse, sometimes she puts the trash under the bed so I don’t complain about I don’t even want to start with knowing what the bathroom is like, I had to start using the guest bathroom.
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‘Act like an adult’
The OP (original poster) said he understood the effects of depression, but there was a limit to how far things should be allowed, writing: ‘I understand that depression can make more hard for someone to take care of themselves and their environment. But I feel like there’s a limit to where you use that as an excuse to do anything without worry about it, especially when you live in someone else’s house.
He continued, “I keep telling her to clean up after her and that I’m sick of cleaning up after a grown woman and she always replies that she has depression and ADHD. What I don’t see Why is that an excuse. You have depression, of course. How does that make you leave trash everywhere and be a slob? I don’t get it. You’re an adult.
OP went on to say that his girlfriend accused him of not being sympathetic to her situation, “She got mad and accused me of not giving f**k about what she walks through and called being an unfriendly m*ron Apparently I don’t support and understand her sanity because I have a hard time with her treating my house like it’s a dump. “
“Am I the a**hole here? I feel like I was too harsh because I probably could have approached this in a friendlier way, but after many attempts to try and bring it up to get cleaner and pick up after herself, I’ve just had enough,” the post concludes.
“She must take responsibility”
The internet appeared split, with more than 1,200 people leaving comments on the post. One user with ADHD shared, “I’m going to offer another perspective from someone with pretty severe ADHD. Living with ADHD is hard and performing basic utilitarian tasks is a pain. It’s not that it’s just the lack of motivation to do them. , it’s that it’s a bit painful to do them. Like it’s very uncomfortable. So you should have compassion for your girlfriend and be understanding, but if someone told me not to worry about doing uncomfortable things and allowed me to make excuses and blame it all on my ADHD, then they paralyze me.”
“While it’s harder for you GF not to be a slob, it’s NOT impossible for neurotypicals and she needs to take responsibility and have respect for those around her. Personally, if I I’m not going for a run or if I don’t eat right or have the discipline to go to bed at a reasonable time then my ADHD is much worse but it’s my responsibility to make sure I do these things. must take responsibility for her ADHD and not put the burden on others around her, it’s a heavy burden but it’s her burden Honestly, using ADHD as a ticket to harming your own mental health by being a slob in your own living space, and refusing to work hard to improve yourself is a pretty jerk IMO,” they added.
“You are insensitive and harsh”
Another user who experienced something similar shared, “NAH (No A**hole Here) I also have ADHD and depression and I have the same problem with cleaning. I had l used to live with an ex-partner and we had the exact same problem, only that he was incredibly patient, and not pushy at all. But still, nothing ever changed, so after 2 years he broke up with me because he couldn’t take it anymore. And I understand. It was for the better. So I understand how difficult it is for your girlfriend. I assure you that she is not trying to find an excuse it’s legitimately next to impossible most of the time to do shit The only thing that helps me with that is a service where some kind of therapist comes to my house once a week and helps me do all I need I don’t know where you are from if this is an option and affordable but I am dropping it here.
They continued, “Anyway, since I had a partner who was in your shoes, I also understand your fight, and I don’t think you’re an a**hole. I think you’re insensitive and hard, but you’re very frustrated, and I get it. Here’s the thing: your girlfriend’s mess isn’t going to change any time soon. She may learn to deal with it and get better at picking up after her. But most people with ADHD have a hard time keeping a clean space, and when you have depression on top of that, there are honestly a lot of things a person usually has to deal with first, before they feeling ready to tackle the potty issue don’t think living together works for either of you makes you very frustrated and resentful, and increases their anxiety and depression.
“Tl;dr: None of you are a jerk. You are naturally very frustrated and you need things to change to feel comfortable. She struggles with very difficult things and takes a lot of time to learn how to The situation is unhealthy for both of you. If you want to try to make it work, I recommend looking into ways to help someone with ADHD/depression. There are lots of great resources on the internet. “, the comment added.
“He is not insensitive”
Meanwhile, a third user backed up OP saying, “He’s not callous I have ADHD and she goes so far as to HIDE it UNDER THE BED? I’m a grown woman and I fight but you have to take responsibility for your own mental illness, it’s so unfair to move in with someone and treat their house like a pigsty, without even trying to clean up or make an effort, and then blaming your ADHD and depression while you knew from the start that YOU WILL BE LIKE THIS. You can’t make someone else’s life difficult because YOUR STRUGGLE. I sympathize, but she shouldn’t have moved into someone else’s house. ‘other if she wasn’t ready and I guess that’s why she fell out with the parents NTA he tried to help her by letting her move in and she’s disrespecting his space and she doesn’t don’t even try to get help.”
Another Reddit user suggested some helpful tips for the OP, writing, “As an ADHD + Depression household, something that has made it easier for me is putting things where I need them, not where they normally would be. Does she leave food waste next to the bed? The trash can goes next to the bed, not in a corner somewhere. Does she always leave her dirty clothes in the same place? the hamper goes now We have a dirty laundry hamper in the dining room BC we all tend to leave sweaters, work clothes etc when we walk in the door Is this a strange place for a laundry basket?Yes Does it alleviate the problem of having clothes scattered around the living room and dining room?Yes.
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